Overcoming Pre-Marital Struggles

(Are the sisters able to see or? Maybe if they move a bit to this side or? Oh they have a television over there? Okay, as long as they are part of the program).

A'uzubillahi min al-shaytan al-rajim, Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim, Al-hamdulillah rabb al-alameen, wa afdhal al-salawaati wa atammul taslim 'ala sayyidina wa nabeeyina wa habibi quloobina wa tabeebi nufoosina Abal Qasim Muhammad. Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad, wa 'ala aale baytihi al-tayibeen al-taahireen al-ma'soomeen aladheena adh haba Allah 'anhum al rijs wa tahharahum tatheera. Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad.

Marriage is a very interesting topic because absolutely everyone on the face of this earth has an opinion about marriage. Some opinions are very good in theory, but dreadful, miserable in practice. Some views are very distorted, far away from what any religion teaches. Some are in line with Islam as a religion, but somehow they are not able to implement it in their practical world. And somehow some people feel that they are in some kind of vicious cycle where they are not able to get out of it and fulfill what it is that they are destined for.

And that is why my presentation tonight on the topic of struggling with the obstacles of marriage and how we are able to overcome these premarital struggles and obstacles, is not only based on my observation, in my experience as far as doing marriage counselling and things like that, but my priority is trying to understand what it is that our religion wants from us as Muslims. And how we are able to go beyond just the slogans of repeating 'az zawaj nosfil-deen' - 'marriage is half your religion', 'marriage is half your religion' - and find ways of turning that into a reality in our community. We are, we realize that this postponing of marriage and and all of the other attachments to the custom of marriage, of course my conclusion would be that they are all very much far away from what our religion wants from us.

And this is why when we do look at Islam as a religion, we are able to see how Islam stands out very much different to how other religions look at marriage. Other religions probably look at marriage as a very personal choice. In Christianity, if you really, really, really want to be spiritual, you need to be a celibate, which means you don't get married. In Islam, it says that marriage is half of your religion, that marriage is the sunnah of Islam, because what it does give you is a combination of all of these things that I have mentioned here.

Five points, but of course, there are way more points that people are able to derive from as far as the teachings of our religion, Islam. I would say the most important elements of finding your soul mates and living with your spouse is that level of 'sakina' that the Qur'an talks about, that God made for you, your spouse, 'li-taskunu ilayha' (30:21) - for you to have that level of 'sakina', which means peace and harmony, tranquility, stability. But 'sakina' is not just a level of emotional stability, but also physical stability as well, because when you have that 'sakina', when you have that tranquility and that inner peace, it is going to reflect on your conduct and how you behave. And it does not lead you to any kind of perversion, physical or mental or emotional. And, of course this ayah continues on after talking about 'sakina', after talking about tranquility, He says 'wa ja'ala baynakum mawadatan wa Rahma'(30:21), and that there is also that level of affectionate love and also mercy. Why did in this particular verse that I am talking about, why did Allah - Subhanah Wa Ta'ala mention sakina, mawaddah, rahma? Why did He mention tranquility, affection and mercy? That is InshaAllah for another topic where we talk about what makes a marriage successful.

But in any case, we are able to understand that if you really do want to get to those goals and objectives of yours, then you need to be married. And how much of our Sunnah not only praises the married person, but also censures and at times condemns the single unmarried person. Now, when we do say single and unmarried, we mean single by choice, not by fate, because maybe some person, females usually not males, females usually, you know, they - no one has come knocking on their doors. In my opinion, it is very difficult for me to grasp onto a man staying single, not by choice, by fate. I do not think that is the case. In 99 percent of the cases, it is by choice, wrong choices, of course, that led him to such an age beyond 40 where he no longer feels that comfort or need of wanting to get married.

And of course, there is this very strong emphasis in Islam of marrying at an early age. Now we need to tread very carefully here because we know that society has evolved and we know that, you know, getting married or falling pregnant, even though it happens a lot in the western world at the age of 12 and 13 and 14 and 15, it happens in the western world more than it happens in the Islamic world, right? But because of the legal restraints, even in the Islamic world, which I believe is a positive thing, a good thing, but when we look at the tradition of Islam, we can see that there is this strong emphasis of marrying from a young age. The earlier, the better. Now, yes, you do need to be mature? You do, intellectually and also physically. Do you need to be responsible? Absolutely. But in the ideal kind of situation, a Muslim male and a Muslim female, if they are brought up in the correct way, by the time they reach that mature age of response, they should be responsible already.

What happens on the negative side is, unfortunately, people wanting to spoil their children, people wanting to postpone, people not wanting to delegate responsibilities and chores to their sons and daughters. And therefore, even with the very maturing level of boys and girls in this era, is very delayed. If you were to ask your grandparents or your parents, when you did you feel that you were mature and when you were responsible and they will say, well, you know, I started doing this and that, this and that when I was 15 or 14 years of age. And even if you travel back home to where you are from, you will see that there are young children who are very, very responsible and very mature, different to how it is where we are, right?

And so early marriage, if we accommodate to that within the family that we are in, then the end result will be absolutely perfect. And when they do reach that legal age at least, they would be ready for marriage. They would be marriage material, as we say. Now, look at this wonderful hadith, two hadiths actually down the bottom, where the Holy Prophet, salla Allahu 'aleyhi wa aalih, he says that should any youth, should any young person. 'Shaab' - Shaab in Arabic means a youngster, a young person, should any young person get married at that young age, Shaytan will give up. And Shaytan will say, I do not have any access to this person's religion any more. So that level of immunity that a person is building happens through zawaaj, and that is why in many hadiths it says, 'al zawaaj nosfil-deen' - half of your religion is marriage because of what it gives you', but you have got another half. 'Fal yattaqillah fil nosfill aakhar'. 'And then you need to be wary of God in the second half'.

Another hadith that says and here, this is very important because this says to us that, by the way, yes, even though you are 18 or 19 or 20, you do not have any money to probably put down as a bond to rent an apartment or something like that. But that is not your responsibility at that particular age. That is your father's responsibility. Your father carries the burden of facilitating the means for you to get married at that young age. And that is why the Holy Prophet salla Allahu 'aleyhi wa aalih, he says the haqq that a child has over his father is: number one, gives him a good name; number two: teaches him kitaaba, makes him literate; and number three, marries him off. But here, the hadith says, 'wa yu zawwijuhu idha balagh'. He marries his son off when they reach the age of - I am not going to say puberty here, I will say maturity, 'idha balagha', that level of bulugh.

Now, what are the stages and what stage are we focusing on in this particular talk? We are focusing on number one, stage number one, and that is you coming up with these scenarios in your mind, male or female, you coming up with these ideas in your mind? Should I postpone? Should I get married? Should I delay? Should I marry this person? What am I going to do? How much money do I need? All these things that are running through your mind all at once, how do you deal with these things? Sallu 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad]

So the choices that you need to make and of course, finally, the decision that you are going to have to take. What is important? What do you prioritize? Who do you choose? What is the best method of spouse selection? What kind of personality should they have? These restraints that you might be facing, are they religious, are they social, are they cultural, are they material? Is the material side important? Is the beauty side important? All of these questions that are coming into your thought process when it comes to your natural urge to want to find someone who you are able to live with for the rest of your life. Al-Hamdulillah, the blessings of your religion, Islam has an answer to all of them.

You are your thinking about beauty. Islam has already mentioned that and said the worst kind of person is someone who marries for beauty. You are thinking about money. Islam says the worst kind of person is someone who thinks about money. And believe me when I say this, and that is why I said in the beginning of my talk, there are a lot of these people out there who really love these theorizing and love to say, well, she has got to be nice, she has got to be attractable and I want this and I want that. The one thing that happens to me when someone says to me, 'Sheikh, I would like you to look for someone for me. But I have some requirements.' When he says, 'But I have some requirements', that is when I zone off and then I give him the very cliche answer that we all kind of like love-hate - Insha'Allah. Yes Insha'Allah, Insha'Allah, IInsha'Allah. Right? And it is unbelievable, like the issues that go - and this is all because of materialism, it is not because of us living in the 21st century, it has nothing to do with that.

The Holy Prophet, sallaAllahu 'aleyhi wa aalih, addressed this all those years ago when he said, 'Iyyakum wa khadhraa'ud diman', stay away from green dung. Wa qeela Ya Rasool Allah, and they said, Ya Rasool Allah, what do you mean by khadhraa'ud diman, by green dung? How could dung be green? And he said 'Al mar'atul hasnaa' fi man bati' soo'', 'a good looking and attractive woman who has bad roots'. Does that mean that every attractive woman has bad roots or bad foundations? Absolutely not. But if that is what you are looking for, that is what you are going to get. And read the ahadith from the Ahlul Bayt, 'alayhum assalam, that is exactly what they say. You want money, that is what you are going to be focusing on. Your marriage will fall apart because you are focusing on the money. You want looks, that is what you are going to be focusing on. And that is how your marriage is also going to fall apart. You won't be successful.

Now, I do not want to go into the divorce topic here, but we do know how staggering the divorce rates are in our very community, you know what, 6.3, up to 7 percent sorry, 60, 63 - up to 70 percent of marriages end up with divorce. That is alarming. And unfortunately, we have some people who go to the extreme and get turned off from marriage because of the problem of divorce. Again, that problem that they have is their very mentality, not the failures of others, but how they see things. And so what if someone had a failed marriage, what does that have to do with you? It is very similar to some people who I have come across on more than one occasion where they say we don't want to have children, because we don't want our children to become a criminals or bad or drug dealers or whatnot. Well, who said that you, you are pretty much saying that you have absolutely no ability and your incompetent in not only nurturing a child, but producing someone positive in this society regardless of of religion. Again, this all comes down to a very negative, un-Islamic kind of mentality that some people have because of them wanting to formulate their own kind of theory as far as how they see marriage to be. And that is why, again, I am really emphasizing on this point, if I was to ask you and you and you and you, each one of you is going to have some kind of idea about what marriage is, in my opinion, this and in my opinion that. But really, even when it goes against the very tenets of your, tenants of your very religion itself?

Now, there are a few types of obstacles that we are able to quickly address in tonight's program, Sallu 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad] Some of these approaches, some of these obstacles are personal and in some cases you really have nothing or nobody other than Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala to rid you of these obstacles. Like, for example, you don't have a choice in who you marry. Your father is a dictator. Sorry to say. With all respect to all of our parents. Your mother is very picky. Because you are Brad Pitt and she only wants someone like Angelina for you to marry. Your father says, No if he is not a Syed, there is no marriage. Your mother says, Well, what about your cousin, who lives all the way back in our city or our village? If you don't marry her, my sister is going to be very upset and never talk to me for the rest of my life. 'But I don't want her mom. I don't like her.', 'I don't want him, mum.'

Dictatorial, unfortunately, there are many of these cases, especially with this Syed/ Non-Syed kind of problem, big problem, big dilemma. Big problem, even the Grand Marjaa' Ayatollah Sistani condemned this negative approach in one of his statements to the youth of the West and said it is shameful for certain parents to prevent their qisma and their naseeb to come for the sake of them being a Syed or a Non-Syed. Subhana Allah, even the Ahlulbayt 'aleyhim as-salam. Even the Imams themselves rarely married from within Bani Hashim. Rarely married from within Bani Hashim. Seven of the mothers of our Imams 'aleyhimus salam, were ex slaves, just for your information, and I am sure you already know, don't you? So you are looking for prestige and looks and this and that and this and that. Who are you emulating, who are you following? What kind of example of life are we living?

Then you, your personal preferences could become an obstacle as well. Because you still haven't found that tall - I do not want to give descriptions because this is kind of like a difference of, you know, taste, but we always hear the cliche, tall, blond hair and blue eyes, we always hear that, don't we? Not to say that that could be, that is your preference, right? That might not be your preference. But, you know, these kind of personal requirements that you have is stopping you from marrying someone who might be right there at the tip of your fingers accessible and you will be very happy with her, but she doesn't meet these personal requirements of yours. Now, personal requirements of yours, when we mention personal requirements we are talking about the unrealistic un-Islamic personal requirements, because we do know that there are two fundamental conditions and requirements that we all need to observe when it does come to spouse selection.

Number one is Deen - not Deen as in them being of your same religion, but Deen as in Tadayyun, as in being religious, a practicing Muslim, Muslima, praying, fasting, good reputation, everything else, compatibility. Righteous, pious, noble, with hijab, with honour, with self-respect, with commitments. And number two, akhlaaq, being respectable, being presentable, being tolerant, being compassionate, being kind, being generous and all these other things. Yeah, you could be someone who is praying and fasting all the day, all day, but you are really bad and miserable when it comes to money and spending. You are, as they say, as tight as can be, as far as your stinginess is concerned. And that is why these two, come hand in hand.

You also remember that a while ago you were invited to this really nice wedding. Salim Mahajer style wedding. And you have been thinking about that for a long time. And you are saying, well, I can't really get married now because my father has only said that I will be willing to help you with some of it, but that won't really cover the costs of the limousine, let alone anything else.

Scared - and we already mentioned someone being scared of marriage because of the failures of others, sometimes because of the failure of their own parents, sometimes, unfortunately. They feel and they see that their parents live a loveless life and how miserable they are. And this traumatizes the son or the daughter and they start to hate marriage. That is a very bad thing. Be optimistic, be positive. Just because someone else was not able to accomplish what they needed to do, that does not mean that you need to follow in the same footsteps. You are your own person and you are able to achieve what it is that you want in your own life.

Another thing is careless, irresponsible. This is a personal obstacle. No hadaf, no goal, no objective in life, does not want to do anything, does not know where they are going, they are couch potatoes, the weekends they spend doing absolutely nothing, sleeping in, and showing no commitment to want to become a husband or a wife or a father, a future father or a future mother. And then those who are around them say, well, I cannot vouch for this person, you know, I am going to be responsible for someone else's daughter coming into my house and my son cannot even man up and be responsible for taking care of his wife.

Not finding or having the proper suitor. And that, of course, is in the case of most of our sisters, in females, for example, because their father or their mother keep on rejecting people who are coming for proposal for whatever reason it may be, or he still has not yet found the right family. Him and his father and his mother, they still really have not found the right girl for him, which is fine. But what are you doing to rid yourself of that situation? Are you reciting the du'as of marriage? Are you focusing on your niyyah and your intention of what should be done for you and everything else along those lines?

Another thing that we see very much is that we always hear people not wanting to marry other people from their own community. So you get, for example, Lebanese girls and they say, I do not ever want to get married to a Lebanese man. Then you get Iraqi men and say, I would never think of marrying an Iraqi woman. Then you get Pakistani women and they say, I would rather marry an Arab. And then you get Afghans and they say, so you hear them say, I would rather marry an Iranian. And then you get this and then you get that. So everyone has a problem with their own people. People from their own backgrounds. And this is very common, unfortunately. Why is that? It is because they do not see the problems of people in other communities, because it is more in your face. I do not know what is happening in your community. You do not know what is happening in my particular community from my background. So you are under this assumption that people in my community, we are all hippy dippy and we are all happy and our marriages are really, really wonderful and therefore you want to marry into our community and we want to marry into... It is never going to be successful at all.

Not to say that I am against inter-national or inter-racial or inter-community, whatever they call it, marriage. No, this is a personal preference. You want to get married to people from Kerala, you get married to people from Kerala. You want to get married to people from -is that not where you are from? You want to get married to people from Baghdad, completely up to you. You want to get married to someone from Venezuela or somewhere else. That is your choice. That is your preference. As long as your parents are happy, as long as your guardian is happy, then go ahead. If not, then adjust your preferences, adjust your personal preferences in accordance to what your parents want, as long as it is reasonable and not unreasonable and not unfair.

Is your father or your mother saying to you, I want you to marry only someone from our town? Is that something that is irrational or unfair to say? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. What is wrong with that? All of a sudden, we have this thing that, well, if your father says or if your mother says that, I would prefer that you marry someone from our own culture, all of a sudden they are racist and they are prejudiced, and they are this and that, and they are evil and whatnot. No. Why is that? It is their choice. Whether you agree with it or disagree with it, that is also your choice.

Another obstacle that is usually mentioned, unfortunately, and this is really devastating - studies and work. And this is imposed by either the parents or by him, her, themselves, where they are under the assumption somehow and I have no idea where this came from, maybe this ignorant slogan that came out, I have no idea who this Khaled guy is as well. But unfortunately, it has become a mode. It has become the fashion, the rule of thumb that studying clashes with marriage. Okay, when you are at the peak of your testosterone level and you are 17 and 18 and 19 and 20 and 21 and 22 and until you graduate, really, you have kept yourself as pure as possible my brothers, really? Wouldn't it be so ideal that you are married with someone or at least engaged and do your studies? Anyone who says that having a partner will minimize my concentration in my studies and my exams is a liar, or living in some other planet. Because being with someone gives you that tranquility and that stability itself that you need. And you are not going through a thousand and one different ideas in your mind, in addition to your studies, that will distract you from what it is that you are supposed to be doing.

And that is why it is really devastating. And this is all a part of the modern secular cultural invasion of our religion and our Islamic society. It really is an invasion where it is drilling into our minds that you should postpone and delay marriage until you have a settled job, until you graduate, when you graduate, you need to find a job. When you find the job, you need to stay stable for a while. When you stay stable for a while, you need to start saving up. When you start saving up, you are not able to get your holidays and all these other things that come about. And that is why nowadays, what is the average age for marriage? Anyone knows? Sallu 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad]

Anyone knows? 27, 28, up till around about 30, 32, right? What were you doing during that time? That is the question that you really need to ask yourself. Could you not have preserved your modesty, your lust, your shahwa, your nature, your emotions by marrying from that young age, and pursuing your studies. Is it achievable? Absolutely. There are so many people who have done it who are very successful, who did get married at a young age, who did have children, not one, not two, but four and five and six and seven, and still pursued their studies, not only the husband, but also the wife as well. If you make the right decision, then she will push you to study. He will push you to study, you will both graduate, you will both be successful. Your priority is your marriage along with your education, not education first. Marriage second. No. Why do we need to have this this first and this second, why do we need to do that? Why don't we just allow it to take its natural discourse and say, well, let us get married, and of course, along with that, we can pursue our studies. Again, one of the biggest problems is the mentality that many, unfortunately, many parents also have, that the parent is dictating onto the son or the daughter that, No, you can't get married, don't think about marriage. He has, the parent has no idea whatsoever what his son or what his daughter is doing at university? Do you agree? Or do you disagree? We will leave that for questions and answers.

What about if you are unemployed? What about if you do not have a stable job? Or a regular income, does that mean you not get married? Look at the answer to that. Financial problems, you don't have enough money. You don't have a regular income. And why is that? Really your father, or your self, if you were working in McDonald's or KFC or Woolies or Uber or delivering pizzas, and not buying shoes every month or luxury items every once in a while, you could not have saved up a reasonable amount of money and with the help of your father proposed to ask for someone's hands in marriage? If, of course, you are not going to want to go all out for all of these formalities and be spending thousands and thousands of dollars on the most unnecessary of things.

Let us say you say, Oh, well Sheikh what can I do? I have got three hundred and fifty cousins and relatives here in Sydney and in Melbourne, and they are going to be very angry if we don't invite them and we can't invite them to the Masjid or the Imambargha or the Husaainiyya, and that is a very sad problem that we have, by the way, because once upon a time, do you know where people had their weddings and their marriages, huh? In the mosque. In the mosque. So they didn't go, they did not have to go all out. The decorations were already there.

So we have got three hundred and fifty relatives and things like that, and, you know, like we do need to invite them to a reception. How much is that going to cost? Okay, you go ahead and you invite someone to your reception, your uncle comes up to you and says, by the way, the kebab was cold, your auntie says, why are the mezzahs so little, someone else says, why are the chairs so uncomfortable, you have got people complaining and nagging at you left, right and center over the most petty of things. Does not this happen all the time? No one is happy. So you are going out of your comfort and you are spending thousands of dollars, and at the end no one is going to be happy with what it is that you are doing. So why do it in the first place? Makes absolutely no sense, absolutely no sense, it makes no sense that you need to pay someone seven to ten thousand dollars just for photography. Come on, really.

And I am giving you numbers of very common things, you know, receptions costing 50 to 70 to 80 thousand dollars, you know, that is a, what do you call it, down payment for a house, isn't it? If you do have that much money to be flinging around, you could be marrying so many other people with that money. This is all, these are all things that have been condemned by our religion Islam, so when you want to talk about religion, you say, well, our religion is against extravagance, against luxury, against wasting, against showing off against this, against that. But yet you are doing it yourself. Makes absolutely no sense.

High 'mahar'. You know what 'mahar' means, don't you? We do not call it dowry because we don't believe in dowry, but the nuptial gift. I have a lot to say about this, but unfortunately, we realize that it is buying and selling of merchandise, that is what it is turned into. That some parents and some girls nowadays feel that it is a way of honoring their daughter, a way of giving value to this bride if she has high 'mahar'. And we are not talking about thousands, we are talking about in the tens of thousands, we are talking about gold coins and we are talking about billions and we are talking about property and we are talking about all of these things that have brought nothing other than misery and sadness to people.

Rasool Allah - SalaAllahu 'aleyhi wa aalihi, he says: 'The best of my women is she with the least amount of 'mahar',' it is makruh, it is makruh to have anything more than mahar al-sunnah, which was the 'mahar' of Sayyida Fatimah al-Zahra 'alayha assalam. In the Qur'an, there is no usage of the word 'mahar', the word is 'sadaaq'. 'Sadaaq' comes from the word sidq, which means truthfulness. That is all it is, it is not a bond that if you treat her right, she doesn't get it, and if you treat her wrong, she gets it. It is not how you show your love. 'Sadaaq' comes from the word sidq, truthfulness, it is your token of, or your symbol or your expression of being truthful in your proposal to this lady, to this bride to be. That is all it is. That is all it is. Everything else is cultural, imposed in the worst and most negative of ways.

Need to be a little bit quick because I started a little bit late (. Sallu 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad] (How much more time do I have? Keep going, don't say that. All right, shall we keep on going, brothers, same pace, or be a little bit quick? He's bored? Quicker. All right, who is bored? We are all good. Okay, all right, I will be a little bit quicker.)

Comparing yourself with others, this is, I think, sorry to say, I am sorry to say, but I think this is an inferiority that some of us have, you know, that we want to have a wedding like our cousin or like this or like that, why? Why does it need to be? Why can't we compare ourselves to those who are less than us instead of always looking at those who are higher than us? And of course, unfortunately, we have a major problem, I think, with parents, parents not helping, parents discouraging parents, coming up with all these weird scenarios in their son's mind or daughter's mind, turning them off and turning them away from marriage, not knowing that they are going to be finding and looking for other ways of fulfilling their needs, their natural needs, unfortunately. And this is just some of the cultural demands, the really bad, negative cultural demands that we have in our society, unfortunately, and every culture is different. You have got the Iranian process, which is really long, the 'Sheer Baha' and the 'Bala buroon' and the 'Paatakhtee' and all these other things that they go through. Unbelievable. So tiring as well, financially tiring and physically tiring. I do not know much about the Indo Pakistani culture other than the 'Rukhsati', whatever they call it, which I do not know if anyone likes it or not, but here I just copied this from the Internet. I do not know if this is correct or wrong.

But we can see that there is only really two things that are endorsed by Islam. One is Wajib and one is mustahab. The nikah ceremony is wajib in order for him and her to become halal, and then the walima, which is the food distribution, is mustahab. Anything else before and after is culturally imposed that, in my opinion, we should not be a part of. Especially if we are trying to facilitate marriage and make it easier for people.

Because if you do all of these things, the bridal shower and the henna party and the this and the that and all of these other things, right, then you are laying down a precedent for others to start following as well. And if you have to go to Fiji or Bali or Malaysia for your honeymoon, then someone who says I don't want a honeymoon turns out to be some weird, awkward, kind of deranged person. Why? I did not have a honeymoon. I am a bit weird. I did not have a honeymoon. I had one day off after my marriage, after my wedding, one day off. And that one day off, my teacher told me off so much. For six months, he did not talk to me. How dare you take one day off after your Zaffaf wedding? It should be a normal day.

All right, you want to, you know, do something and you want to consummate the marriage and you want to go to - Okay, but minimal costs, because that money itself is going to be a big problem in the future. Did you know that more than 60 percent again, more than 60, I think 70 something percent of marriages, sorry, of divorces happen in the first three months of a marriage. Happen in the first three months of the marriage. One major factor is the money factor, that the husband starts resenting the wife because of all of her demands. What do they call them? Some of them. Some. Bridezillas.

Why do you, why are you creating someone that you are not going to be able to control? If you say from the very beginning, let us make it simple, let us do this. Let us have that, let us save up this money. And we will be able to use it as a bond, will be able to use it for rent, will be able to do this, will be able to do that. That is wonderful. Instead of spending and all of these other things. And we can save up and that money instead of using it here and there, we will be able to go to Hajj, we will be able to visit Imam Hussein, we will be able to do this, will be able to do that. That is real. That is really what is going to bring you happiness, not getting a loan. And then every time you pay the loan, you remember, Oh we had all those fights when we were having, when we in our honeymoon or when we were this or we were doing that. Because that is really what usually happens. After a few weeks of your wedding, those butterflies die and reality starts to sink in. And then you see that you are up to your nose in debts. Why? Really, why do you have to do that? And that is why even Western people, even non-Muslims, are following this path of simple marriage, easy marriage. Invite 5, 10, 15 people and go ahead and just do it, get it over and done with and let us carry on with our lives.

These are some statistics, I do not know if you are able to see it or not, but these are some very interesting statistics, again, in America, in India with average costs. It is very interesting that in India, what a person spends is way, way, way more than what someone would spend in America, even though they have a more stable income, right? Even though they have a more stable income in America and they could supposedly afford it. But in India, they can't afford it. But yet they need to do all of these things. But why again?

Now, you will probably say, well, this is not only Muslims. Well, I am not just talking about Muslims, I am talking about this really bad, in my opinion, EVIL culture of the demands as far as formalities and ceremonies of marriages and weddings that are beyond just a particular religion or sect or something like that. If you were to just eliminate some things, you would really go far away as far as your planning is concerned.

All right, let us be realistic. I am not going to say, Don't have a photographer and get your cousin to be taking pictures with your mobile phone. I am not going to say that, right, unless your cousin is a photographer and professional with using a mobile phone. But you do not need to go to the maximum. You can find cheaper ways. Are you being stingy and greedy? Absolutely not. You are just being realistic and you are saying, let us break this stereotype. Let us break this culture. My goal is for me to be married at 18, 19, 20, 21. Why do I have to go all the way up and beyond that and still be living in the single domain?

Let us just quickly go through these statistics, they are very interesting to read as well and again, it is a matter of happiness. Like, do you really think that someone who has this is going to be more successful than someone who does that? Let me tell you, statistics wise, someone who does that will be more happy, will be happier and more successful in their lives and in their marriage than someone who does this. Because that will have baraka, that will have mala'ika, angels that will have hubb Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala, in it.

This - who are you feeding? Where is the money going? How much satisfaction are you getting out of it? Oh, yeah, this was a bit funny, I saw it says just married, and the way she read it was 'just'. How much does it cost to get married? I do not know, I have not finished paying it. That is interesting, isn't it?

So these are just some hadiths that I found that were interesting, will post these as well. Again, emphasizing on this easiness and simplicity of marriage. Now what happens if really you are, you know, 20, 21, in my opinion, that is the best age to get married. 20, 21. 22 - you are stretching it a little bit. What happens if you are of this age and you really are unemployed and you really do not have a stable job? That is why we need some rewiring. We need some rewiring as Muslims, we need some rewiring and we need to go back to the Qur'an. We need to hit the books again, go back to the Qur'an and the Sunnah. Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala - does not say find a job, get money and then get married. That is what we think. That is how we think, isn't it? No, Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala, says marriage will be a means of your financial stability. So get married and then everything else will open. All avenues will open up for you.

That is exactly what the Qur'an says. And here we are talking beyond time as well, because, Subhana Allah, even now, people still have this mentality. How am I going to afford? Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala, answers, 'In yakunu fuqaraa' (if they are poor) In yakunu fuqaraa' yughneehum Allahu min fadlih'(24:32). Allah will make them rich. Rich, not as in rich millionaire, but at least you will have enough for you to be stable, for you to be blessed, for you to have baraka. Because there are ways of you acquiring rizq from Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala, and sustenance. One of them is marriage. One of them is going to Hajj. One of them is having children. One of them is serving Imam Husayn. So find these means and do them, and then you will see how the doors of rizq will be opened up for you. And this is a beautiful saying from Rasul Allah, Sallal-lahu alayhi wa alih, 'A'dhamul nikah barakatan', (the greatest of marriage, as far as blessings is concerned is) 'aysarahunna ma'oonatan', (is that which has the least expenses, the simplest in costs). Wal-hamdulillah rabb al-alameen wal salaatu wal salamu 'ala sayidina Muhammad wa aalih al-tahireen.[Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad] (I am sorry about the delay in, taking too long to talk. Sorry about that. Do you want to turn the lights back on?)

Allahumma salli ala Muhammad wa aali Muhammad. [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad] JazakAllah Sheikh Zaid for your wonderful speech, a lot of different points were mentioned. One of the ones that stuck to me was the idea of marrying someone specifically confined to your own culture and your own background and how that holds no ground in the religion itself. It is something which is purely cultural and based on traditions outside of the religion. And I recall in one of your previous lectures you mentioned that the A'immatul ma'sumeen, 'aleyhim al-salat wal salam, a lot of them, the ones afterwards, they married from places in North Africa. And of course, as we know, the mother of Imam al-Mahdi, 'Ajal Allah ta'ala farajuh al-shareef, she was a Roman princess. So, yeah, a lot of important points there.

The other point you mentioned about superficial beauty, you know, looking for those things, it can be very, very devastating in the long run, even though it might satisfy you in the short run. So JazakAllah kheir, a very, very excellent and insightful speech. And InshaAllah I pray that the audience members all benefited from it? I would like to invite Brother Jawad Imam to the stage to conduct the final part of the program, the question and answer session. Sallu 'ala Muhammad wa aale Muhammad. [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'aali Muhammad wa 'ajjil farajahum]

JazakAllah. Thank you so much for that speech. It was a lecture that was needed a lot by all of us. But usually we fall into this misconception, like we form a list in our minds. We are like, Oh, I am looking for this, this, this, this in my future spouse. But we often fail to look at ourselves and what we have to offer, and the hard reality is if we do reflect on ourselves, we kind of realize that we can't live without our moms and we are out there having a list for other people.

Without taking any more time, we are going to head towards the Q&A session. If you do have a question, please do come up. So just so we can get a good recording of you and the question, there is no need to be shy or anything. To get the ball rolling, I will ask the first question. When it comes to looking for a future spouse, you mentioned 'deen' and 'akhlaq'. How can we gauge that within a person, how do we know if someone has 'deen' and how good their 'akhlaq' is? Because when we meet them, no one really shows their true faith?

That is pretty much why I think one way of describing marriage is a leap of faith. You really do not know how someone is going to turn out. And that is the reality of the matter. Someone came to Imam Hassan al-Mujtaba 'alayhi assalam, and said, Who should I marry my daughter off to? And he said, Someone of good 'akhlaq', because if he stays with her, he will treat her well. And if he leaves her, he will also treat her well. So it might not just be a matter of 'akhlaq' or 'deen' that two people are not able to click together with. It might be something more than that. It might be something deeper than that. And that is why it is all a matter of a leap of faith. How are we able to concentrate on the foundational issues and build that.

'Now of course, we understand that in our religion and also in our background, as far as our cultural background is concerned, marriage is not an individual decision. It is not something that you engage with personally. It is something that everyone in the family is involved in and therefore when your family, your extended family know that you are looking for somebody, everyone is going to start prowling around and, you know, trying to find out about this particular girl or this particular guy, if that suitor is good for you, if they have a good reputation, if their family is stable, just doing a whole background check and investigating into this person, making sure that, well, yes, in actuality, this is who he or she is, what will happen in five years or ten years, nobody knows. I don't know what how you are going to be in five or ten years. You have no idea how I will be in five or ten years. We don't know how we are. That is why we always ask Allah, Subhanah Wa Ta'ala, on a daily basis 'Ihdinal siraat al-mustaqeem'(1:6), to keep us on the right path, not to guide us on the right path, but also to keep us on the right path. And with your 'akhlaq' and expanding on your 'akhlaq', you show that level of tolerance, you show that level of understanding.

And that is why 'Wa ja'ala baynakum mawadattan wa Rahma'(30:21), that there is 'Sakina', I mentioned there is 'sakina', that tranquility is going to be there. Why? Because you are connecting with someone emotionally, physically, mentally, naturally. 'Mawadda' - 'Mawadda' is not 'Mahabba'. 'Mawadda' is different to 'Mahabba'. Because 'Mahabba' means love, just love. 'Mawadda' means affectionate love, means expressing and showing it. When you say I love you, for example, and you say I love that person, where are you showing it? How are you showing it? Are you showing it through your verbal abuse or through your negligence or through your carelessness? How are you showing your love? Just by saying it? No, that does not make sense. Affection, Qur'an emphasizes on 'Mawadda' more than 'Mahabba'. That is a very, very important point because 'Mawadda' which is affectionate love is not just you saying it, which is also very important verbally, but living it physically, showing it.

'Qul la as'alukum 'aleyhi ajran illa al-mawaddata fil qurba'(42:23). So we need to show affectionate love to Ahlul Bayt, 'alayhimu assalam. Not just saying it, but living the life of Ahlul Bayt.

'Wa ja'ala baynakum mawaddatan wa Rahma' (30:21). Now what has mercy have to do with this? Mercy in this ayah is giving us a conflict resolution plan. What happens if you have 'sakina', wonderful, you have affectionate love, wonderful, but you are a human being, you are not infallible, you get angry, you get upset. There is a misunderstanding, miscommunication between you and your spouse. What do you do here? Do you get angry? Do you get aggressive? Do you start giving them the silent treatment? Do you do this? Do you do that? No. Rahma, show mercy. 'Irham', the Prophet says, 'Irham, Turham', show Mercy and mercy will be shown to you. So here 'Wa ja'ala baynakum mawaddatan wa Rahma' (30:21), the word 'rahma' here is our conflict resolution plan. That at times of disputes and when you have a problem, what needs to kick in? Your Rahma. And if you have these three and if you have made the right decision of who they are in their actuality, it is just a matter of building these attributes and qualities that Islam wants from you. And you will be living forever, together or together forever.

Thank you so much, Sheikh. The question I ask is often used as an excuse for delaying marriage. People say, how can I marry someone if I don't know them. And their form of knowing someone is dating them. And these relationships between before marriage that usually extend for years, without any end. Do we have any other questions? Yes, brother, please come up.

Even among Muslims, there is an increasingly higher rate of divorce. Even among the previous generation. What do you think contributed particularly in the twenty first century?

Again, I would say, it does come down to this cultural invasion that we are really losing ground as far as our social commitments to one another. You know, once upon a time, if you weren't ashamed of your behavior, your father, in front of your father, you would be ashamed of your behavior in front of your uncle, or in front of your auntie or in front of your extended family, you would be ashamed of your behavior in front of the community, in front of the elders. So the elders would come and they would sit you down and they would say, you are out of place. Do this and this and this and that. Nowadays, everyone in this individualized society, everyone is their own person. Excuse me, who are you to tell me what to do? That is what people are saying. You are not my father. That is what people are saying.

So nowadays even though we don't believe that divorce is haram, in some circumstances, it should be the only way out to minimize damage. But at the same time, where is that commitment if you are not able to make adjustments and changes and divorce is very, very easy, it is an easy way out. It is the easy way out. Marriage is very difficult. Divorce is very easy, and that is why, unfortunately, because of how the structure of our Islamic society is changing and evolving so much to the bad, to the negative, we are able to see that people don't feel that they need to have that loyalty anymore, that they are able to opt out quicker than how their forefathers would have done because they are not going to be ostracized by the community or thought negative of, or something like that, if you know what I mean.

Do you think age also contributes to the higher rates? Like a 30 year old is more -?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Because the younger you are, the more you are able to mold your personality with who you are getting married to. You know, the younger you are, the easier you are to get rid of certain habits that your partner does not like. The older you are, the more difficult it is for you to make that adjustment because you have lived this certain lifestyle for twenty four, twenty five, twenty six, thirty years. Now, all of a sudden, someone wants to become a part of your life and want to force you to do things or dictate onto you or control you or to do this or to do that. You know, in many cases it doesn't turn out very nice, unfortunately.

Thank you. You are welcome. Thank you, brother.

Thank you, Sheikh, for this. There is this misconception or this slogan or something that usually goes around in today's time, and that is don't change yourself for anyone. And even though, it depends on how you see it - But they can do plastic surgery. But, yeah, It is very dangerous, dangerous.

That is - it is very ironic. You say, this is who I am. I am who I am when it comes to their akhlaq or their behavior. But when it comes to their physical appearance, they won't say I am who I am, this is who I am. They will try to make as many adjustments as they can, which is very unfortunate. Again, these are social restraints and social demands that unfortunately we are moving into. Again, I would like to emphasize that it is not just us Muslims. It is not just Muslims dealing with this struggle. It is the whole world. It is the whole world. JazakAllah Sheikh, do we have any other questions?