Family Ethics 5/13: What To Look For In A Spouse?

'A'udhu bil-Lahi, min ash-Shaytan, ar-rajim. Bismi-Llah, Al-Rahmani, Al-Rahim. Al-hamdulil-Lahi Rabbi al-'Alamin, wa as-salatu wa as-salam 'ala Ashraf Al-Anbiya', wa Sayyid al-Mursalin, wa Habibi Ilahi al-'Alamin, Abi 'l-Qasimi Muhammad, wa 'ala Ahli Baytihi, at-tayyibin, at-tahirin, al-ma'sumeen, al-mukarramin, al-ghurar al-mayamin, siyama baqiyati Allah fi 'l-ardhin wa hujjatihi 'ala 'l-khala'iqi ajma'in, Sayyidina wa Imami az-Zamanina, wa Sahib na'matina, wa Waliy 'amrina, Madhi hadhihi al-ummah, wa tawusi ahli 'l-Jannah, al-Hujjat Ibn al-Hasan al-'Askariy, fidahu arwahu al-'Alamin.

Allahumma kun li waliyyika al-Hujjat Ibn al-Hasan, salawatuka 'alayhi wa 'ala aba'ih. Fi hadhihi as-sa'ati, wa fi kulli sa’ah. Waliyya wa hafidha, wa qa'ida, wa nasira, wa daleela, wa 'ayna, hatta tuskinahu ardhaka tau'a, wa tumattiahu fiha, tawilah. [Du'a al-Faraj]. Allahhumma wa hablana ra'fatahu wa rahmatahu wa 'awnahu wa du'ahu wa khairahu wa ridha'. Man analu bihi sa'atan min rahmatik, wa fauzan 'andaka ya Karim. Bi rahmatika ya Arham ar-Rahimin.

My dear brothers and sisters where-ever you are, as-salam alaykum wa rahmat Ullahi, wa barakatu. Continuing with our discussions about Islamic family ethics I would like to begin with a narration that has attributed to the Commander of the Faithful, Amir Al-Mu’minin, alayhi salawatu Allah wa al-mala'ika, wa an-nas, ajma'in. The Imam is reported to have said "al-mar'atu salihatu laysat min ad-dunya". A good wife, a wife that provides her husband with support, is not of this world. "Laysat min ad-dunya. Innama hiya min al-Akhira". Rather, she is of the afterlife. It is almost as if she is a celestial being. She is someone who has been transported from the afterlife into this world of ours.

"Innama hiya min al-Akhira, li annaha tufarrighuka laha". The reason for that is because through her, you are able to find the time and the energy and the support, so that you would work towards building your afterlife. It is almost as if the Imam is alluding to some ability to time travel, for a wife to travel between planes and between universes, in some kind of a multiverse, where God blesses you with a wife or a spouse, a partner, who comes from a different plane, a different world, so that she is able or he is able to provide you with the support you need, and in doing so, allows you to prosper spiritually. And in terms of seeking proximity to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

With that Hadith, I chose to begin this talk because a question that I believe is fundamental to a successful and good marriage, and therefore a good family, is what is the ultimate purpose of a family? What are you trying to achieve? Why get married to begin with? I feel a lot of people never ask this question for various reasons: cultural, the pressures of life, or whatever it may be. Ultimately, what tends to happen is people stumble on marriage. I am not saying that marriage should be delayed. I am not saying that people should postpone marriage while they figure things out. Because even when they do that, unfortunately, they don't ask the right set of questions. What I am trying to do is to do exactly that. Why get married to begin with? What's the ultimate purpose of marriage? Well, the answer to that is very simple. The ultimate purpose of marriage is the ultimate purpose of life itself. What is the purpose of life?

Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala, tells us in the Holy Qur'an: "wa ma khalaqtu al-jinna wa al-ins illa li a'abudun" (51:56). I did not create the jinn and ins, I didn't create all of these sentient beings, I didn't create anything in this life, except for one purpose, "illa li a'abudun", so that they would worship Me, so that they would turn to Me, they would devote their lives to Me. So that they would make God the axis of their lives. And of course, in doing so is the ultimate way to achieve success in this life and the next. And so it is in our best interest to do that. That's a given, but it's another discussion for another day.

The point is, that if life in this world is designed or created so as to fulfill that purpose of worshipping Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala, that is also the purpose of marriage. And as simple as that sounds, if you apply this principle to the marriages that take place around us, our own marriages perhaps, then you begin to make sense of how God-centric your marriage is, how successful your marriage is. Because it is only successful if it brings you closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala. It gets less and less successful the farther it takes you away from God.

If it doesn't fulfill that purpose, then it is completely useless. No matter how beautiful it seems from the outside, no matter how joyful it seems to you or others observing you, its not a matter. None of it matters if this marriage does not bring you closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala. In other words, marriage is supposed to create a sanctuary where both husband and wife can seek proximity towards God. It is not about happiness or joy. It is not about financial stability or the kids, even though all of these things are often benefits derived from marriage as a bonus, if you like, as the icing on the cake. These are great things that we are blessed with as part of a good, happy, successful marriage. But at its core, marriage is about helping each other find the tranquility we need so that we could get closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

And that is why you have to choose your partner carefully, and based on the right set of criteria. What are you looking for in a spouse? Again, a question that we find ourselves asking, and oftentimes people are confused. What exactly are we looking for in a spouse? In pop culture, especially in the West, if somebody is asked why you are getting married to this person, the answer is different variants of the following statement: she is smart, she is funny, she is beautiful. I am sure you have heard this a lot. Basically, we have boiled down the criteria by which we are supposed to pick a partner, a spouse, or to, rather, being beautiful, being smart, and being funny. But are these the right criteria? Is that the checklist that we should all take a copy of and ensure that whoever fills that vacant position is able to check all of these boxes? Being funny? Is that what we are looking for? Again, it depends on your priorities. It depends on your value system. It depends on who you are.

If you are someone who subscribes to: "wa ma khalaqtu al-jinna wa al-ins illa li a'abudun" (51:56), then surely these are not the right set of criteria. But again, because pop culture has such a massive influence on our lives, because ultimately our epistemological foundations are so skewed, because we derive our values from Hollywood and from sources that have been tainted with popular culture in this day and age, songs and what have you, a lot of Muslims will fall into the same trap.

Then we wonder why so many marriages end up with heartbreak and divorce and misery. We wonder why the statistics for divorce rates, not just in the United States, and the United Kingdom, and Australia, and New Zealand, and elsewhere, but globally, even in so-called Muslim-majority countries, you find that the statistics are just as abysmal and miserable. At some point, I remember in a majour Muslim country, the divorce rate approached 70%. That is worse than America, where it is closer to 50%. Seventy percent! Something like 30% of marriages would fall apart and end up in divorce within the first month.

We wonder why that is happening, but then nobody really tries to get to the bottom of the problem. And of course, they will come up with all kinds of explanations. Things like the marriage age, or the incompatibility, or the education, the culture, this, that, and the other. But ultimately, if we aren't able to come up with a solid list of criteria that is grounded in the Holy Qur'an and the traditions of the Prophet and his Immaculate Household, and their lives, the lives that they led, which have been documented. If we are not able to trace those criteria back to the primary sources, then we have no one to blame but ourselves.

The question I ask again is, What are you looking for in a spouse? Let me share a Hadith with you before then telling you an incredible and inspirational story. The Hadith states: "man tazawwaja imra'tan li jamaliha". Here is a stark warning that's been given to us. If you marry someone because they are beautiful, because they are attractive, because they are cute, if you marry someone based on that criteria, the Prophet says: "Ra'afiha ma yakrah", then you will see something in your spouse that is so repulsive and hideous that you will regret getting married based on that feature because they are beautiful. "Man tazawwaja imra'tan li jamaliha, ra'afiha ma yakrah". Number one.

Number two. "Wa man tazawwaja imra'tan li maliha", if you marry someone for their status, if you marry someone for their wealth, if you marry someone for their family, for their last name, if you marry someone for their passport and nationality, if you marry someone because they are famous. Haven't you noticed when somebody happens to be famous, when it is a reciter or a singer or whatever, quote-unquote, Islamic or otherwise, how women fall head over heels in love with that person. Why exactly? Do you know that person's Akhlaq? You know nothing about it! All you know is that this person is famous. So you are getting married because the person happens to possess a certain degree of fame. And so, again, this falls into this category.

You are getting married to this person for their wealth. You are getting married to this person because he happens to be a celebrity, which is the worst criteria to base one of the biggest decisions in your life on. So the Imam says, or the prophet, I am not sure who, one of the infallibles, "Wa man tazawwaja imra'tan li maliha, wa kalahu Allahu ila dhalik". Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala says, You got married for the wealth, you got married for the money. Why, again? Because I am trying to secure my future. I am trying to ensure that I am hedging my bets. I have got enough money. If I don't have it myself, then my spouse has it. I am depending on that for my prosperity and my success in this life. And so Allah will say, You know what? I will leave you to it. Don't come asking Me for help when the going gets tough, when problems sprout around you, when the money is not useful anymore because what you are dealing with is a sickness that no amount of money anywhere in the world can help you cure that sickness. Don't come to me because you are already trying to plan your own life in a manner that depends on the Almighty dollar as opposed to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

Then the Imam says, he says, "Wa man tazawwaja imra'tan li deeniha", but if you marry someone for their value system, for their religiousity, for their faith, if that's your criteria, Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala will grant you both the beauty and the wealth. Which obviously doesn't mean that that person will suddenly turn into someone who is beautiful or cute, but he or she will be to you. And it doesn't mean that that person will become a millionaire overnight or win the lottery, but you will have enough to live a peaceful and blessed life. Because you have put your trust in Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala, as opposed to all of these made-up criteria, Allah will look after you. Allah will provide for you.

"Wa man yattaqi Allah, yaja'al lahu makhrajan" (65:2), "wa yaruzquh min haythu la yahtasib, wa man yatawakkal 'ala Allahi, fa huwa hasbuh" (65:3). This is the golden rule, brothers and sisters, when it comes to marriage. Put your trust in Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala, Allah will suffice you. He will look after you. Which, of course, doesn't mean that you shouldn't investigate. You shouldn't do your own due diligence. That is a separate topic, which I will touch on. But what it means is, do not try to hedge your bets using your own criteria. Go with what Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala, has told you. Go with what He has provided you with. Go with the traditions and teachings and examples of the Prophet and the Ahl al-Bayt, alayhum as-Salatu was-salam.

On that topic, let me share a story with you. And of course, today was the commemoration of the passing of one of the greatest women in all of human history, Lady Khadija Bint Khuwaylid, Salawatu Allahi wa as-salamu 'alayha. Because of that, I want to tell you the story and a couple of other points that will extrapolate from it. But Khadija, once again, and I talked about her last night, but honestly, I don't feel like we can ever do justice to Khadija. One Hadith says that Khadija, "kanat Sayyidat un-Nisa'i zamanihah", she was the mistress of the women of her time. We are talking someone at the level of Maryam. We are talking about someone at the level of Asia. We are talking about someone at the level of Fatimatu az-Zahra', except her superiority was to the women of her time, which is a big deal.

Why? Because remember that the environment in which Khadija grew, was corrupt to the core. The environment in which she grew up was that of Quraysh. It was idol-worshippers, and it was people whose values were turned over their heads. They were the worst of the worst. And for Khadija to remain pure is in itself, absolutely mind-bending. So listen to this. Speaking of what you are looking for in a spouse.

Khadija, as you all know, was, prior to getting married, the richest person in Arabia. Not the richest woman, but the richest person. They have actually specifically mentioned this in the historical record, that she was richer than all of the men in Quraysh. And, Quraysh and Mecca, Mecca was the economic hubb of the entire region. Mecca was the Manhattan of today. And so for her to be the richest person says a lot. So much so that she employed 400 men to work for her, as partners who would engage in transactions, and trade, and so forth, 400. So the Hadith says, and this is in Bihar Al-Anwar, that Khadija noticed Muhammad, salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, this young man, and she did her own due diligence. She asked around, and she quickly realized that he is a very trustworthy person. He was known as as-Sadiq Al-Amin, after all. He is reliable, he is trustworthy, he never lies. And so, of course, those are the qualities that you want in any business partner or employee or what have you.

But obviously, there is another element in any successful business, and it is whether or not he's able to conduct business in a manner that is profitable. And so she asked him to come in, and made an offer to him that's called Mudaraba. And Mudaraba is when you provide the capital, the other party engages in the business, then the profits are split 50-50. So she said to him that I would like to send you on a business trip on an expedition, and I will provide the capital, you do the work, and then we will split the profits. The Holy Messenger, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih, agreed, even though he wasn't a messenger at that point, he agreed. And Khadija, just to make sure that she gets a full picture of who this person is, she sent a slave of hers, named Maysara, to go along with the Holy Prophet.

They went on their journey to Damascus. The Holy Prophet went, he bought the merchandise that he was supposed to buy. Certain things happened along the way. I don't want to get into the details. But essentially, Maysara, when they arrived back in Mecca, he reported back to Khadija, and he told her that I saw some things which were rather odd and extraordinary. For example, he says that there was an encounter between the Prophet and a Christian monk. And the monk said that I see signs of prophethood in him. So he reported that to Khadija. Number two, his honesty, his integrity were absolutely top notch. There is no question there. Also, he says, I noticed that when the sun was extremely hot, we would be walking together in the desert. We would be traversing the wilderness. But the sun was shining its rays on me and whoever else happened to be there, but not Muhammad, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih. There was always a shadow that covered him. So there's something mysterious, something spiritual, something strange that I can't quite explain. He reports all of this back to Khadija.

Khadija, and I mentioned the other story of the Christian priest who came and noticed and compared some of the signs of the Holy Prophet to what he had in his ancient scriptures. There were already things that were creating a picture for Khadija. Listen to this. As soon as that happened, Khadija sent after the Holy Prophet, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi, she called him. And she said the following, she said, "Ya ibn 'am, qad raghibtu feek". My cousin, which was an honourific way of addressing him, even though they weren't cousins, she said to him, My cousin, I have a keen interest in you. I like you. Now, why do I like you? She said "li sharafika fi qawmik". Number one, because you are a noble person among your people, among your tribe. In other words, I have asked about you. I have investigated you. I have done my background research, which let's just stop right here for a second.

Brothers and sisters, when you are trying to get married to someone, do your due diligence. And by that, I don't mean just ask a couple of his friends, or ask his mother, or ask his father, or vice versa. Ask her friends. Ask people that, No, I am talking about investigating this as if your life depended on it. I am talking checking up on his social media profiles. I am talking asking the neighbors. I am talking not to the level of getting a private detective involved, but do your due diligence as best as you possibly can. Take your time, ensure that this person fits the bill. Khadija says that i have asked around. "Raghibtu feek li sharafika fi qawmik".

Another point that I want to mention here is, look, I know that it is a social taboo for women to make the first move, but religiously speaking, there is nothing wrong with that. Religiously speaking, if you find someone who is religious, who fits the criteria that we are going to talk about, InshaAllah, then it's okay for you to initiate that first move. Whether you do it directly, I am speaking to the sisters here, or you do it indirectly. Get someone else involved. Get a friend, get an uncle, get your parents. Somebody else can perhaps do this for you.

In fact, in our religious traditions, we have plenty of examples where a scholar might have a daughter, and obviously as a father, he feels responsible, he wants to ensure that his daughter gets married to the right person. And so they pick someone from their students, and they find a way to get the message across to that person, so it doesn't appear as though the father is desperate to get his daughter married or anything like that, it doesn't break any social taboos. But ultimately, if you find that person, obviously, I think this is less of a problem in this day and age where our sisters, may Allah bless them, often do make the first move. But my point is, even if you come from an ultra-conservative family and you want to ensure that this person who fits all the right criteria is at least given some hint, then there are ways of doing that.

So, Khadija initiates the move. She says to him, I like you "li sharafika fi qawmik". Number one, because among your tribe, you are a noble person. Number two "wa sittatika fihim". You are always looked up to, within your own family. Everybody speaks of your merits and virtues. Number three, "wa amanatika 'andahum". You are a trustworthy person. You are reliable. If you are ever in that situation and you are trying to find out whether this person is the right spouse for you, it also doesn't hurt to maybe test them, test them through another person. Maybe get someone to tell them a secret and say, don't tell anybody, and then observe what happens. "Wa amanatika 'andahum". You are a reliable, trustworthy individual among your tribe. What else?

"Wa husni khuluqika" Your 'akhlaq' is so impeccable, your conduct. Obviously, 'akhlaq' is an umbrella term that encompasses so many other things, things like shame, things like the way you treat your parents, the way you treat others around you. It's not just about whether you are polite, it is much more all encompassing than that. But ultimately, she summarizes it in your 'akhlaq'. Then, "wa sidqi hadithik", and your truthfulness. Again, an incredibly important criteria. To be truthful. Again, you can ask people about this. You can investigate, you can test. There are ways of doing that. Khadija did exactly that. She tested the Holy Prophet, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alyhi. "Wa husni khuluqika, wa sidqi hadithik, thumma aradat alayhi nafsaha". At that point, she said, I would like to marry. Straight up. Now that he has ticked all of these boxes, there is no reason to wait, there is no reason to delay, and there is no reason to pass this opportunity. Instead, she told him, I would like to marry you.

"Wa kanat", the Hadith says, "Khadijatu imra'atan hazimatan labiba ". She had two qualities. Number one, she was endowed with insightful intellect. "Labiba" means that she was a very, very intelligent human being. She had 'aql, she had lubb. Intelligent doesn't mean that you have a high IQ. It means that you can weigh two options, not one that is good and one that is bad and decide to go with the good, but rather when you have got two good options and you are able to pick out the one that's better, or you have got two bad options and you are able to pick out the one that's worse and avoid that one. She had 'Aql, she had Lubb. Not everybody is like that. But there are women who, Subhana Allah, you can tell they have this Lubb. They don't speak except when they have measured their words, they don't go out. They don't do things that are antithetically to our religious values. Also she was 'Hazima'. And Hazm is when you are decisive.

Khadija noticed that the Prophet, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi, was someone who fit those feature sets, those descriptions. As soon as she realized that, she was decisive and said: I would like to marry you. "Wahya", the Hadith then continues to say, "Yawma idhin awsatu Qurayshan nasaban wa a'athamuhum sharafa". At that point, Khadija was the most desirable woman amongst Quraysh. She was the most noble, not just the richest person, but the most noble, the most desired. "Wa aktharahum malan" and she was also, it didn't hurt for her to also be the richest among all of Quraysh. "Wa kanu jami'an yarhabuna fiha" people would have been envious of anyone who was able to get married to her.

As I stated last night, she was also young. She was only 25 years old, at the age of the Prophet, Salla Allahu alayhi wa aali. And so all these things were there. However, what is it? We talked about what attracted her to the Prophet, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih. What is it that attracted the Prophet to her? What did the Prophet see in Khadija that he chose her? Well, our Hadiths state that Khadija was known back in those days as "at-Tahira". She was the pure one, which means that the wealth, the youth, the beauty, all these things, the nobility even, none of those things mattered to the Holy Prophet Salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi. It was her purity. It was the fact that the Prophet could see that in the midst of all of this filth and immorality and vice, in the midst of Quraysh and their repulsive and grotesque value system, Khadija remained pure. Khadija was chaste. Khadija was so pure that that became her name, her title, At-Tahira.

What I am trying to say here, brothers and sisters, is that, and I say this parentalically, that even in the worst of places, there are those who are pure. There are those who resist all of the temptations, all of the desires, and maintain their purity, maintain their connection to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala. There is no excuse when you have the likes of Khadija. There is no excuse for following pop culture like a herd of sheep, when you have the examples of Asia. There is no excuse when we have these noble and beautiful role models.

Another point that I want to mention here is this, that there was this incredible bond of loyalty between Rasul Allah, salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi, and Khadija. And that's important. Remember when I said earlier that it is heartbreaking to see how many marriages end up in divorce. Part of it has to do with the fact that there is no loyalty anymore. There is no real sense of attachment. Marriage isn't taken... I mean, it is taken seriously in terms of all the gatherings and celebrations and parties that happen prior to getting married. Yes, in that sense, we go absolutely overboard. We do things that are contrary to our religious values. We spend exorbitant amounts of money that would put everyone to shame. We do things that are innovations in our religion, in that sense.

But in terms of taking that bond of marriage seriously enough, so as to create loyalty, unfortunately, that doesn't happen as much as we would like it to. People get married. They always have an exit strategy. Like I mentioned a couple of nights ago, women who ensure that they have that degree saved up, they have their financial security lined up, because they want to make sure if they are going get stuff, they are able to get out of the marriage as soon as they can. But you can see how that is damaging to the bond of loyalty even before getting into the marriage itself.

Ultimately, it is the loyalty that prevents us from running to the courts and asking for a divorce as soon as we notice something we don't like about our partner. Choose carefully, as I said earlier. But when you have made your choice, stay loyal. Stay loyal to the marriage. Stay loyal to the family. Not just your spouse. Stay loyal to the decision that you made. Stick around and fix whatever problems you have instead of running away. Stick around. Yes, it may be a difficult problem. I said to someone once who complained, I believe, about her husband. I said to her, Let me ask you a question: if all of these points that you mentioned about your husband, it wasn't like a fundamental problem. It wasn't like, Oh, my husband is now getting drunk every night and he is gambling and so forth. He is stopped prayer, he stopped being religious. It was something disturbing, but not that bad. I said to her, Let me ask you a question. If this laundry list of problems that you just presented me with, if they were in your son or daughter, would you also look for an escape? Or would you stick around and fix it? She said, Well, that's different. I said, No, I know it's different. That is your son, that is your daughter. They are attached to you forever, no matter what.

But it is not different in the sense that you feel that you can't run. You feel you can't just escape all of this. You can't just stick your head in the sand. You have to fix it. You have to be invested in trying to restore this situation. Just as you don't make a run for it when it's your son or daughter, don't make a run for it when it's your wife or husband. Do it. Stick around. Fix it. Be loyal to the decision that you made. Trust the fact that you put your trust in Allah. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is difficult. But don't run. Stick around. I am not saying that divorce has no place. Divorce is an option, but only for the most extreme circumstances.

Rasul Allah, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih, declares his prophethood. The first thing he says to people, he ascends on that mountain, he addresses the people that are in a state of circumambulation around the idols that were placed on top of the Ka'ba, and he says to them "ayyahu an-nas! Inni Rasul Allah" O people, I am the messenger of God to you. He then repeated that two more times. "Inni Rasul Allah! Inni Rasul Allah! Inni Rasul Allah!". The Hadith says "Fa ramakahu an-nasu bi absarihim". People looked at him, and of course, we are talking about the worst of the worst. We are talking about idol worshippers. "Fa ramakahu an-nasu bi absarihim, wa ramakahu Abu Jahl qabbahahu Allah bi hajar". Abu Jahl was the first person to throw a rock to pelt a stone in the direction of Rasul Allah. "Fa shajja bayna 'aynahi" he broke the Prophet's forehead. The wound was so deep that the blood started gushing out. Bi abihi wa ummihi. Ya Rasu Allah, salla Allahu alayka wa Ahli Baytika at-tahirin.

"Fa shajja bayna 'aynahi". As soon as he did that, all of the other idolaters followed suit, "fa tabi'au al-mushlikuna bi 'l-hijara". Imagine one rock hits your forehead. Now multiply that by a factor of a hundred, or 500, or a thousand. God knows how many. they came like a shower in the direction of Rasul Allah. What did the Prophet do? The Prophet went and he found a valley and rested his back against the mountain. At this point, the Prophet was so wounded that a person came running to Amir Al-Mu’minin, and he said to him: "Ya Ali! Qat qutila Muhammad". I am telling you, Muhammad is dead. He could not have made it alive, having seen what I saw. "Fantalaqa ila manzali Khadija radhia Allahu anha". Amir Al-Mu’minin ran to Khadija. He knows the station, the rank of Khadija in the heart of Rasul Allah. He went to her, and he needs her help as well.

"Fa daqqa al-bab", he knocked on the door, "Fa qalat Khadija, man hadha?" She said, Who is this? "Qala ana 'Ali". She said to him, "Ya 'Ali, wa ma fa'ala Muhammad?" What's happened to Muhammad? Tell me what happened to Muhammad, my beloved husband. "Qala la adri" I don't know what happened to him, "illa anna al-mushrikeen qadra mauhu bi 'l-hijara". All I know is that they have been pelting him with rocks. "Wa ma adri 'ahaiyyun huwa am mayyit". I don't know whether he is alive or dead. But let's go out and look for him. Give me some water. I will take the water in my hands, and you take some food in your hand, and "wa antaliqi bina an altamisu rasul Allah" we will go to them. To Allah. Let's go find him, because if we do find him alive, "fa najiduhu ja'ian atchana". We will find that he is hungry and he is thirsty".

"Fa ma dahatta jaz al-jabal" they got to a place where they passed the mountain. It was a valley. So Amir Al-Mu’min, said to Khadija, "Istabtin Al-Wadi" you go inside the valley, "hatta astadhirahu", while I go on top of the mountain, and I will look from a higher vantage point. Maybe we will be able to find him. Then listen to this, Amir Al-Mu’minin began to call out Rasul Allah in this manner, "Yah, Muhammada, ya, Rasul Allah, nafsi laka al-fidah. Fi ayy wadin anta mulqa?" O Muhammad, O Messenger of God, may my soul be ransomed for you. In what valley are you lying? How did Khadija call upon the Prophet? She started saying, "man ahassali an-Nabi al-Mustafa?" Who knows where the chosen Prophet is? "Man ahassali ar-rabi'a al-Murtadha?" Who knows where the spring that is pleasing to Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala is? "Man, ahassali Al-Matrooda fi Allah?". Who knows where the one who's been exiled for the sake of God, meaning his service to Allah has forced him into exile, "Man, ahassali Aba Al-Qasim?". Where is the father of my son, Al-Qasim?

At this point, the Hadith goes into detail. It says that while they were looking for him, and the Rasul Allah was still resting on that rock, and he was bleeding from head to toe. The Prophet of God, the final Messenger, is bleeding, so Allah sends down upon him, his archangel, Jibra'il. Jibra'il comes to the Prophet. Then he introduces other angels, the heads of various departments and portfolios. He says, This is the angel of the stars. The angel comes forward and he says to the Prophet, I have been commanded to obey your every command. Do you want me to now order the stars to shower on these people and destroy all of them? Another angel comes and says, I am in charge of the seas. Do you want me to bring the seas and wash away all this filth from Mecca? The other angel says, I am responsible for the rain. I am responsible for this and that. We have all been commanded to listen to what you tell us, to obey your command. What do we do?

Rasul Allah said to them, "qad umartu bita'ati? You have been commanded to obey me? "Qalu na'am" They said Yes. "Fa rafa'a ra'sahu ila as-sama' wa nada" the Prophet then raised his hands before the heavens and he said, "inni lam ub'atha adhaban" I have not been sent as a punishment, as a chastisement. "inna ma bu'ithtu Rahmatan li 'l-alemeen" I have been sent as a mercy to the worlds. I am sure many of you have heard this portion of the story, but not the one that comes after. Then he said to them, "Da'uni wa qawmi", leave me with my people, "fa innahum la y'alamun". They don't know any better. They don't understand. The Prophet of mercy, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih. Not only does he tell the angels to spare these evildoers, but he even makes up an excuse for them: they don't know any better.

At this point, the angels are dismissed. Jibra'il says to the Holy Prophet, he said to him, "Ya Rasul Allah, ala tara ila Khadija?", Don't you see Khadija looking for you over there? "Abkat li bukai hamala'ikata as-sama". Look at her crying. It is for her cries that the angels in heaven are crying. This gives you a glimpse of who Khadija was. Jibra'il then said to the Prophet, "Udu'ha ilayk", it's like call her toward you, "fa aqrikha minni as-salam" convey my salam to her, "wa qullaha inna Allah yaqrikhuha as-salam" and tell her that God sends his salam and salutations to you. "Wa bashirha anna laha fi 'l-Jannati baytan" and tell her, O Khadija, you have a house prepared for you, a palace in paradise by Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

The Prophet called upon Khadija, he told her where he was, "wa ad-dimau tasilu min wajihi 'ala al ardh". Listen carefully to this. When Khadija arrived, the blood was dripping onto in the direction of the ground from the face of Rasul Allah. "wa huwa yamsahuha wa yaradduha" the Prophet would wipe that blood and ensure that it doesn't fall onto the ground. So Khadija noticed this. She said to him, Why? "Fidaka abi wa ummi" May my parents be ransomed and sacrificed for you, "da'a ad-dama yaqa'u 'ala al-ardh" let the blood fall on the ground. Why do you keep wiping it? Why do you keep catching it with your hand? "Qala aksha' an yaghda ba Rabbu al-ardhi 'ala min 'alayha" I am afraid that the Lord of the ground will become too angry upon the people who will reside on the ground. "Fa lamma janna alayhum al-layl" Then darkness came, and it was nighttime. What did Khadija do? Khadija took along

side 'Ali Ibn Ali Talib, the Holy Prophet to the house of Khadija. And she had him sit in a corner protected from other sides by these rocks because they knew the idolaters had followed them. They knew where the Prophet lived. They ambushed his home. And what they did was they began, "aqbala al-mushrikun yarmunahu bi 'l-hijara" and they began pelting the Prophet , Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih with those stones, with those rocks. What did Khadija do? She knew the Prophet was protected from his sides, but not in front of him. "Fa taqihi Khadijatu radhi Allahu 'anha bi nafsiha" she stood between him and the idolaters, protecting Rasul Allah with her back. "Wa ja'ala at-tunadi ya mashara Quraysh, turma al-hurratu fi manziliha?" and Oh, people of Quraysh, a woman is being attacked in her own home? Have you no shame? And it is at that point that they left, and went back to where they came from.

Look at the loyalty of Khadija. That's the kind of loyalty we need towards each other. Again, don't make a run for it at the first sign of trouble. The kind of loyalty, you have all heard that when Khadija married the Holy Prophet, she was excommunicated. All the women in her friend circle, those in the upper echelons of the social status of Quraysh, those that used to be her friends, the rich, the famous, all the celebrities who would accompany Khadija, suddenly they saw that Khadija abandoned all of these other rich and famous people and married this orphan of Abu Talib, so they decided to boycott Khadija. The boycott, in fact, was so severe that it led to them when Khadija was giving birth to Fatimat uz-Zahra' alayha as-salam. Again, as i have said before, she gave birth to other children for the Prophet prior to that. Fatimah was only the last of her children. But when she was giving birth to Fatimatu az-Zahra', those same women sent a message to Khadija, telling her, Why didn't you listen to us when we told you not to marry Muhammad? Because of that, we won't come and help you.

Back then, they didn't have hospitals and maternity wards. Women had to come and help. Someone who was in labour. But they told Khadija point blank, you didn't listen to us when we told you not to marry this man, and because of it, we won't come and help you. Imagine! The last of her children, the one that is so special, Fatimah. There was a genuine fear that she could die. But they didn't come. They mocked Khadija. They ridiculed Khadija. They boycotted Khadija. But Khadija remained loyal to Rasul Allah, even before he declared his Message, even when he was, quote unquote, at least from the perspective of other people, a normal man. But Khadija stuck around. Khadija lived with Rasul Allah and suffered through thick and thin. That was her loyalty.

It wasn't the fact that she gave her money away. Again, I said this today. I said the biggest insult to Khadija is to say that she was a businesswoman who donated her money to the Prophet. The sacrifices that Khadija made to Rasul Allah and to Islam could never be repaid. And this was part of it. But then again, let me ask you this question. Where are those women who mocked Khadija again? What was even their names? Nobody knows who they were. And yet Khadija stands at the highest summit of glory and grandeur.

And therein lies another lesson for all of us, brothers and sisters. Don't care about those who mock you. Do not heed those who ridicule you. Don't listen to the ones who say, how could you marry this person? How could you marry that person? Because he is too religious. Don't listen to them! Because glory is for those who fulfill the obligations of Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala, not those who follow what pop culture says or what their culture says. It is what our religion says, what Allah says. And this was just a drop of the ocean of loyalty that Khadija expressed towards Rasul Allah.

Here is a question. How did Rasul Allah repay that? What was the loyalty of Rasul Allah towards his wife, Khadija, like? The Holy Prophet has made several statements about Khadija, which are absolutely mind-boggling. The first one is the Prophet would famously say, "inni ruziqtu hubbaha" I have given her the right to love her. I have been blessed with her love. "Ruziqtu", it's a rizq from Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala. Allah has given me sustenance. In what form? The love of Khadija. Whether this means i have been blessed with loving Khadija myself, or I have been blessed with Khadija loving me, or perhaps it is both. I have been given the sustenance and the rizq and the blessing of the love of Khadija. Rasul Allah considers that to be a blessing from Allah. That is the first statement.

The second statement is the one that I mentioned last night, "inni la uhibbu habibaha" I love whoever loves Khadija. I read this and I say, Oh, Allah, bear witness that we love Khadija. The problem is that we need to express that love. We need to show that we truly honour and love Khadija bint Khuwaylid. How? By ensuring that more and more of our daughters are named Khadija, number one. Number two, again, I mentioned that it's so shocking when I see a Shi'a called Humayra, or being given random names, names that are prevalent in our cultures, whether it be Arab culture, Persian culture, Pakistani. I don't care. These names are a waste of time and a waste of breath when we have the likes of Khadija, Salamu Allahi 'alayah. Let's honour her by naming our children after her. Number one, number two, our institutions, our mosques, our Husayyniyat, they should be named after Khadija. Let's remind everyone that we are loyal to Khadija, even if our loyalty is one of a billion parts of her loyalty to Rasul Allah.

Also, let's follow in her footsteps. Follow her example, whether it be her loyalty to Rasul Allah in terms of standing by him, protecting him, defending him, or her loyalty in terms of supporting him, helping him financially. Let's follow in her footsteps. Oh, Allah, we love Khadija. So that maybe we can be among those that Rasul Allah says, "Inni la uhabbu habiba". And the third statement that Rasul Allah, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih, has said, which is flabbergasting. Honestly, you have probably never heard this before, but it's mentioned incidentally, it's mentioned in a Hadith by 'Umar, Ibn Al-Khattab and it's reported by Maqtal Al-Khawarizmi, who is a Sunni scholar, as well as other sources. But the Hadith is mentioned by 'Umar. The Prophet speaks about Khadija, and he says, "Kuntu laha 'ashiqan". I was infatuated by her. The Hadith is in the context of when Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala told the Prophet to stay away from Khadija for 40 days, prior to becoming intimate and giving birth to Fatimat uz-Zahra 'alayha as-salam, the famous incident that I am sure you have heard of.

In that context, Rasul Allah says that God told me to stay away from Khadija, "wa kuntu laha 'ashiqan" but I was infatuated by her. In other words, the Prophet is expressing how difficult it was for him to stay away from his beloved wife. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. How did the Prophet express his loyalty to Khadija? Number one, by saying these things, which think about it for a second, imagine a Marja'a, imagine a head of state, imagine a scholar, a senior 'Alim, sitting with his students and his friends and his followers and his devotees and people that respect and admire him, and hearing this Marja'a, day in and day out say, I love my wife. I am infatuated by my wife. You never see that happening. Why? Because it is just not something that we do. And yet, Rasul Allah did that.

Not just he would show others how much he loved his wife, which of course he did, but also it is a reminder that every single one of you is forever indebted to Khadija. That every believer from my time until the end of time, is indebt to Khadija, and that you should aim to pay back that debt. Allahu Akbar. Another way Rasul Allah expressed his loyalty to Khadija, and I will finish with this. When the Holy Prophet returned from, after the conquest of Mecca, when he came from Madina back to his birthplace, Mecca was his hometown, the Prophet came in that elaborate manner, which is worthy of being studied. The Messenger comes along with thousands of people. Not a drop of blood is shed, because everyone surrenders to Rasul Allah. All of these savages, all of these tyrants, all of these despots, all of the ones that had murdered the Prophet's closest friends and family members, the ones that had killed Rasul Allah's uncle and chewed his liver and mutilated his body, the ones that had committed the most heinous and macab, crimes against Rasul Allah, they all surrendered. They knew this was a losing battle.

Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala gave the Prophet license to... In other words, he handed the keys of Mecca over to the Prophet: "Wa anta hallun bi hadha al-Balad" (90:2), this town, this city is yours! Yet, Rasul Allah comes, bowing his head, his forehead placed on the back of his saddle, showing no sign of arrogance, showing no desire to engage in victor's justice. Rasul Allah comes and he forgives everyone. He releases the captives. He does all of these things. And because of it, Meccans were absolutely in love with him. He won the hearts and minds of the people of Mecca like no one had ever done before.

Now, enemies were his most loyal friends. They were vying amongst each other. They were competing against each other to host Rasul Allah. He became the single greatest celebrity of all time. Everyone wanted to catch a glimpse. Everyone wanted to get close. Everyone wanted to host him at his home. The chiefs of the tribes were now competing against one another. Who is going to host Rasul Allah in his home? The Prophet said, I am not going to be anybody's guest. Everyone assumed the Prophet would go to his own marital home, the House of Khadija, Sallamu Allahi alayha, which was a big house, was a nice house. It was the House of Khadija after all. But the Prophet didn't even go there. Everyone was now confused and left wondering where is the Prophet going to stay, having returned back to his homeland.

The Prophet left Masjid Al-Haram after giving that famous speech, after declaring, making his declarations, the Prophet then left Masjid Al-Haram. And while riding on the back of his camel, he went and went and went until he left Mecca. And he headed in an obscure direction. Everybody is observing, everybody is watching, everybody is wondering, everybody is asking questions. They noticed Rasul Allah landed at Maqbarat Al-Hujoon, also known as Maqbarat Al-Mu'alla, a cemetery outside the city of Mecca. The Prophet went there, and he said to people around him: set up a tent for me over the grave of Khadija. They set up that tent. Rasul Allah spent three days and three nights in Mecca. Those three days and three nights were spent over the grave of his beloved wife, Khadija 'alayha as-salam.

Where else is the Prophet going to go? Knowing that in his darkest moments, it was Khadija who comforted him. It was Khadija who protected him. It was Khadija who looked after him. It was Khadija who nurseed his wounds. It was Khadija who gave him that joy. Whenever he saw Khadija, all the hardships, all the pain, all the misery would go, which is why he later commented that "Khadija kanat al-wadud al-walud" showed me nothing but love. Khadija showed me compassion. And she gave me my children. She gave me my family. Khadija was my everything. When that evil, demonic woman [A'isha] said to Rasul Allah, Why don't you stop praising your old wife, Khadija? And she referred to Khadija in a manner that I don't want to mention. It was that disrespectful, that filthy and grotesque. She said to him, How come you never stopped praising that such and such woman? "Wa qad abdalaq Allahu khayran minha" God has given you much better wives than her. Rasul Allah became so enraged. She says this herself, Subhana Allah. May Allah raise A'isha with her father, Abu Bakr. May she be with him wherever he is on the Day of Judgment. May they never separate from one another.

She said to Rasul Allah, look at the envy! She said to him, Stop talking about her. Allah has given you, he has replaced you with better wives. Rasul Allah said "Wa Allah! Ma abdala lil-Lahu khairan minha". I swear to God that God didn't replace her with someone better. Then he began to list her merits, albeit briefly to this woman. He said, She was the one who believed me when everyone belied me. She was the one who believed in me when everyone rejected me. She gave me refuge when everyone exiled me, when everyone boycotted me. Rasul Allah showed his loyalty in that manner. Three days, three nights spent over the grave of his beloved wife, Khadija. When the three days lapsed, Rasul Allah simply packed up and went back to Madina. He didn't stay in Mecca. He didn't even spend a single night in Mecca after the loss of his wife, Khadija. As I said, those three nights were spent outside Mecca. And then even after that, he went back to Madina. Which is why to this day, it's makruh to sleep in Mecca. It's not haram, it's makruh, because Rasul Allah just didn't want to stay there anymore. Subhana Allah.

My dear brothers and sisters, this series is about family ethics, and the family is about seeking proximity to Allah and sacrificing so that the family unit stays together. As I said earlier, it is not about constant joy and happiness. Did the Prophet and Khadija have constant joy and happiness? Was it all about laughter and jokes and happy times and vacations and travels? Of course not. It was filled with pain. But the pain was reciprocated with sacrifice. They saw that as an opportunity to get closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala. Even if you have a spouse that's grumpy or you have someone who's not the perfect role model, not the husband or the wife of the year, which is almost always the case, right? If that is the case, it is a sacrifice. It is a sacrifice that must be made. It is a sacrifice that must be made if the ultimate objective is seeking proximity to Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala.

We ask Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala for His forgiveness and for Him to grant us the intercession of Khadija 'alayha as-salatu wa as-salam. Aqulu qauli hadha wa asfagfiu Allah li wa lakum, wa al-hamdulil-Lahi Rabbi al-‘Alamin, wa salli Allahumma 'ala Muhammad, wa 'ala Ahli Baytihi, at-tayyibin, at-tahirin. allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad wa 'ajjal farajhum. Wa as-salamu alaykum, wa rahmat Ullahi, wa barakatu.